UN-stuck

I managed to break through my plateau and it seems like my weight loss is going in the right direction again.

Back on the 20th I went to the Canadian National Expo (the Ex or CNE for short) . It's basically a HUGE fair that lasts for 2 weeks at the end of August every year (for over 100 years) and it's full of carnival food and deadly temptations around every turn. Well with my plateau in full swing I decided to stop my program for 3 days and see if that would change things. It did. Even though I was back on regular food I still kept things in reason. My normal 1000 cals per day went to around 1500-1800 a day and I still did my best to make good choices. There were a few bad ones but they weren't any of my major vices (ice cream, pizza, and chinese food).

There have been some very rough days in between. I really wish every day was easy and I could just glide right through it but when I claw my way through the bad ones there is this sense of accomplishment. Some days are battled minute by minute but once that day is done, I can go "Phew, I made it through alive". Then I really feel that I earned what I lost weight-wise that day.

So where am I now? With my lowtech bathroom scale I'm at 322 as of this morning. I haven't had access to the dialysis scales that I prefer to use lately but it's only a matter of time before I do but I know it will confirm what my home scale shows.

Stuck

I'm stuck in a damn plateau. Granted how my work schedule has been the past 6 days or so it's been really hard to keep to a regular schedule. Since I'm on shift work an occasional monkey wrench gets thrown in (a night shift) that just messes everything up. I've been horrible about going to the gym but there has been no cheating at all so at least there is that.

I don't think this will last long but it's still a bit frustrating when that damn scale needle isn't moving at all. I'm probably just obsessing about it. I can tell because I'm weighing myself nearly every day and I know that I shouldn't.

Oh well....time to get ready for work again.

Killing the flying fat man

I've been noticing something lately that I know it's not unique to me. When I look at my internal mirror, I still see that near 400 man I used to be. Sure I've lost over 40 lbs so far and I've dropped sizes clothes wise, I can still clearly see how big I used to be. The visualization of how I want to look at my goal weight has been getting a bit fuzzy lately when it used to be crystal clear and in a sense I'm getting frustrated as a result. Again I know this is not unique but it sure is a bitch to go through.

I'm going to have to work on this and actively change how I see myself. It's something that may be hard since I've seen the same overweight person in the mirror for so long I've gotten used to it, doesn't mean I liked seeing it but in an odd way it became comforting. Now I'm changing that and I've lost that stability since I'm in a state of transition.

The Grocery Minefield and other things

Well with my weight loss back on track (well at least moving in the right direction) I have been feeling pretty good self-esteem wise for the past few days. Yesterday, I was able to comfortably wear a shirt that had not fit me in almost 3 years, but I was still forced to wear long pants since all my shorts are too big and I don't have a belt. At least they were light weight pants so it wasn't any big deal. I think it's funny that I haven't been able to wear these pants because they were a bit too snug, now it's just the opposite. :)

After the weekly movie outing it was time to do the weekend errands and this included grocery shopping. If I stop in on my own, I know what I'm after and grab it and I'm out. I have no need for 90% of the isles so I don't even venture down them. It's just all temptation and it's things that I don't need to face right now. Well with the two of us shopping, we hit every isle. I couldn't believe how hard it was to go down some of those isles and meet up again with some of my old vices/arch-enemies. It was killing me. Mainly because I was hungry, I was a little overdue for a meal and I was getting a bit tired so I was feeling like I could succumb to their siren songs once again. I stayed strong though and only but my dinners and some pickles in the cart. I've been adding in one or two every few days as sort of a treat/variety thing. They have a negligable impact on my daily calorie totals and have been the only "cheating" I've been doing.
Every trip to the grocery store has been a challenge but yesterday's was much worse than normal.

I'm not sure where this "strength" is coming from if that's what it can be called. It might be more like laziness on my part. Because I'm the only one in the house that is on this diet, there are very dangerous minefields in the kitchen, but I have not yielded to them. I've even gone to the extreme as to not even touch the containers. Seems extreme I know but a touch leads to a smell which leads to a taste that leads to the guilt. One of my all-time vices is sitting right now in my freezer less than a foot from my dinners....ice cream. No, I didn't buy it but I know when I open the door I don't even mentally acknowledge it's there. I just look for my white box and close the door.

Maybe this just my inner self proving to the outer self that there is a new sheriff in town and the old rules don't apply anymore. I know this isn't some devine light of salvation from my food demons so it's probably an intesnse fear of returning to the fatter person I used to be.

Will these demons still haunt me in the grocery store? at home? ....probably, but maybe one day I'll shake them and be rid of them for good.

In the meantime I must fight the good fight.